Fertility Panic: Will I ever be ready to have a baby?

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Will I ever be ready to have a baby? This is the question that was swirling in my mind when I serendipitously came across a book that was written to answer this very question. That book was called The Panic Years. This term was coined by the author, Nell Frizzell. I remember being drawn to this book, not only because of the bright orange cover but also because of the first few sentences of the blurb. It read, "The Panic Years: a period between adolescence and menopause; a personal crisis created by the world around us [...] every decision a woman makes during The Panic Years - about partners, holidays, jobs, homes, savings, friendships will be impacted by the urgency of the one decision that comes with a biological deadline, the only decision that is impossible to take back: whether or not to have a baby."  When I first read these sentences, I felt two things. The first was a wave of panic, which was very fitting considering the book's title. The second was a sense of relief. I bought the book immediately.

Like a lot of people, I have felt immense pressure to get every aspect of my life together by the time I reach the age of 30. I know I am not alone in this feeling. If you have ever thought about potentially having children, this is when the biological clock starts hitting you right in the face and you have to start thinking about what the next few years of your life will look like. I know everyone goes through life at their own pace and there is no such thing as a timeline of events you have to tick off by a certain age, but unfortunately, time is not a luxury when it comes to fertility.

The thought that my fertility is currently at its peak and is starting to decline can send me into a spiral. It feels like I have to get all my finances, relationships, career and life experiences in order before taking that next step and bringing new life into this world. In some ways, it feels like I am only getting started in some of these areas. These feelings of uncertainty are magnified once your friends start having babies and social media starts filling up with pregnancy announcements and baby photos from people you went to high school with. I turn 30 next year and even though I have always envisioned myself becoming a mum, the thought of having children at this moment or even in the next couple of years is overwhelming. Most of the time, I feel like I am not mature enough and adult enough to have a child. This is a common feeling and when I ask parents if they ever felt truly ready to have children, a lot of them say not really but it felt like the right decision and you adapt in the best way possible. This is somewhat reassuring. I am currently in the last year of my 20s and there is still so much I am insecure about, so much I am unsure of and so much I don’t know about myself and am yet to discover. When I was younger, I thought I would feel more confident and sure of myself before deciding to have children, however, I know that every day is a lesson and just because you have children doesn’t mean you stop discovering things about yourself and change, if anything these feelings amplify.

Another quote from the book that stuck with me was, "Fertility is such a difficult feminist issue because our biology hasn't caught up with our politics." Even though there is nothing we can do to change this because this is just how biology works, I find this an unfair fact of life considering the modern world we now live in. There are so many more opportunities for women in this day and age and I am so grateful for this, however, there is also a sense of urgency to tick them all off before having children. Children are an amazing gift and speaking to mothers, my mother included, they gush about how their children are their greatest gift and bring so much fulfilment to their lives. This is so beautiful and I hope to one day experience this bond. Having said this, there is so much more the government can do to support new parents, especially mothers, so the fear of “putting things on hold” and “falling behind” when it comes to their careers is not so apparent for women entering motherhood.

With the knowledge of a decline in fertility from a certain age onwards comes the added pressure of not leaving it “too late”. If I ever need some sort of medical intervention to assist in my journey to motherhood, I want to give myself the best possible chance and having to constantly think about my age does not ease my concerns. Because of this, I sometimes find myself being resentful of men because they do not have to think about their age and fertility in the same way women do. Don’t get me wrong, it takes two to tango and men are just as responsible and should think about their health just as much as women when it comes to creating life. But it can feel like they have so much more brain space to fill it with other thoughts that are not as all-consuming as the topic of fertility. It is such a huge talking point among women and in the last couple of years, there has rarely been a catch-up with my friendship group that goes by without someone mentioning it. Nell Frizzell did not coin the term The Panic Years for nothing.

Even though in my personal life, I can sometimes feel immense panic when I think of my fertility, as a qualified nutritionist, I am super passionate about women’s health, fertility and the journey to motherhood. I love learning about preconception, pregnancy, and postpartum. My passion lies in helping women through their fertility journey and I can empathise with how confusing and uncertain it can feel. It is a fascinating topic and I am curious to experience all that comes with it one day. All women, on some level, go through these ups and downs and in that, there is comfort. We are never alone and through my work, I want to help women realise this. You are not alone in your journey to motherhood, no matter how certain or uncertain you may feel.